It certainly has been a nice 5 days having Dennis home and all of us being together. I had a 24 hour bug Saturday and had to miss my brother Tony's 50th birthday party. I hated being at home alone! But I also got some well needed rest. It seems as though lately I have not wanted to be around crowds. Don't get me wrong, not family or friends or church, but places like Wal-Mart and the grocery store. Ok, I guess who really likes going to those places! I just want to hole up and live in my own little world right now. BUT.... if I do that this will mean that cancer is taking control and we all know that I do not like that! Tomorrow is a new day! I have to go get my chest x-ray and my blood work done before my biopsy on the 9th. I will have to call the surgeons office to make sure the hospital faxes the info. My luck I would get to the hospital the day of surgery and they not have the information. I just want to get all my ducks in a row.

I am going to make an effort to enjoy this time of year and appreciate the true meaning and why I am here. It can be so easy to feel sorry for myself and feel pity, but those of you that know me, know that this is not how I feel or would want to feel. I keep saying that once I start treatment is when I am going to be a wimp and complain! ha! I don't want people to look at me and feel sorry for me. I have been given cancer for a reason. I don't know when I will know why, but I know my God and he knows what I am capable of. I always know this is why he gave us Claire. Who by the way is a real spitfire! Oh my! January and preschool cannot come fast enough! Ha! Most parents hate to see their kids start school. Not me. I am so excited for her to start because I know that she will love it. Her new thing is dancing to music. She esp. loves "Hairspray." She will stand up and tap her butt and then shake it. I think daddy taught her that. Ha!

I don't plan to blog much this week. That being said, things could change.

Blessings on your week!

Happy Thanksgiving! This prayer was in the paper today and I thought it was so appropriate and wonderful, that if you did not get a chance to see it, here it is:

We come to this table today, O Lord, humble and thankful and glad.

We thank Thee first for the great miracle of life, for the exaltation of being human,for the capacity to love.

We thank Thee for joys both great and simple-

For wonder, dreams, and hope;

For the newness of each day;

For laughter and song and a merry heart;

For compassion waiting within to be kindled;

For the forbearance of friends and the smile of a stranger:

For the arching of the earth and trees and heavens fruits of all three;

For the wisdom of the old;

For the courage of the young;

For the promise of the child;

For the strength that comes when needed;

For this family united here today.

Of those to whom much is given, much is required.

May we and our children remember this.

Amen.



Please be sure today to Thank God for all of your blessings! I am thankful for every one of my friends and family. I am thankful for my health, despite the cancer. Please lift a pray up for those that are less fortunate than us and for those that cannot or are not with us today. ( I give this day up for my Aunt Dot who I loved dearly and for Jim Thomas and his family)

Blessings and Peace!

Love the sunshine despite the cold weather! Yesterday I had a ball with my girlfriends shopping. Thank you Amy, Janet, and Sharon. What a riot! I was not even tired after 12 hours! The best thing I bought were matching holiday aprons for Claire and I to cook in! These we can use year after year too.

I was trying on hats at Kohl's and me losing my hair was mentioned. This woman commented on a hat I was wearing and then excused herself for listening in and told me about her journey with breast cancer.

I remember after Claire was born , how refreshing and encouraging it was and still is, to meet other parents of special needs children. To know that we are going through the same thing they are. To try to make our children as independent and happy as they can be, while getting them the best education as possible. I am meeting new people as well on this new journey I am on. I embrace all their stories and pray for them for being so brave to share with me.

Know that we are all on our own individual journeys in life, but headed in the same direction as well. I lived with an oncology nurse in WI. She really taught me some valuable lessons. I esp. learned that no matter what the circumstance, all people should be given the opportunity to have the best quality of life until their last breath. We should all embrace our differences.

Take time out today to just smile or say hi to someone on your daily walk or in the store. You will be surprised what a difference that can make to one person!:)

Good Afternoon! I spoke with the surgeon's assistant today and have a scheduled date for my biopsy. Apparently they don't call, they just send out paperwork and assume the date is fine. Of course, any date was fine with me.

I go in on December 9th. I have to be at the hospital at 12:30 and the surgery will be at 2:00. It is scheduled to last 2 hours. I will have to stay overnight for observation. Not liking the thought of that, but hey, it is not up to me and I cannot complain because I have been waiting for this. Hopefully the lapriscopic will work, otherwise I will have to stay in the hospital longer. That day is also my good friend Diane's birthday. I will offer that day up for her!"It is a great day to be born!"(tee-hee Di!)

I will have a chest x-ray and blood work done in Seymour before I go. I am already nervous and thinking about how hard it will be to leave Claire overnight. Somehow I don't think Dennis is going to let me spend the night alone.

Thank you once again for your prayers and cards, etc... I know how busy we are all, esp this time of year and I know how life happens. So thank you for taking the time to continue to pray for my family and know that you are all in my prayers as well!

Go out and enjoy your weekend and don't forget to tell someone close to you that you love them!

I just wanted to take a minute to reach out to those that feel they are afraid to ask me how I am or just feel it will upset me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am an open book.
For 5 years I did volunteer work at an AIDS organization in WI. For 6 years I was a hospice volunteer here. I have been around the sick and they dying alot. I have been with someone when they have passed. Now do I feel that makes me any braver, hell no. I am just as scared as everyone else who has walked in my shoes. Who wouldn't be? But I am not afraid to talk about how I am doing or how I am feeling.
So if you see me out and want to ask or just say "hi" please do so. I promise I won't have a major meltdown in the middle of a store and embarrass you! Ha!
Peace!

Last night Dennis kicked me out of the house to go to a "girls night out" Mary Kay open house. I did stay later than I had planned. Thank you Mandy for sharing some of your mom's journey with me. Very inspirational, esp the wig part! Tee-Hee! I went home right away and got online to look at head coverings. Specifically cute little hats, etc.... I found some hats with hair (wigs) attached! I wondered if anyone would suspect anything if I wore one with long blond hair! Though fun to look at really, it was one of those reality moments, "I have cancer."
Tonight I had the opportunity to speak with Michelle Koester about her journey and what a journey she has had. Thank God she is doing well and is healthy. She will be a good person to talk to when I have questions and I am having some rotten days. She was saying how she didn't mind losing her hair, but didn't like the fact that she lost her eyebrows and eyelashes! This is so me! It is not about my hair, but my health! But really, I like my eyelashes!
Saturday I am going shopping with some girls for a day of shopping. We went to Chicago last year, but this year I didn't want to be out in the cold so much. Since we don't have any serious shopping to do, we are going to Keystone at the Crossing. I love Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn, so this will be fun! Plus there is just so much to do in the area too. Honestly, I could spend all day in the Barnes and Nobles if it was up to me!
Blessings!

I hope everyone had a nice and relaxing weekend. I did get my hair cut short again. It is just easier to take care of this way. We took Claire to the refuge for photos yesterday. I cannot wait to see them. While it was a bit chilly, she was a great trooper and did well.


Today she was evaluated for services at school. The school pyschologist, the physical therapist, the speech therapist and the teacher were there. The occupational therapist was out sick. I certainly hope this has no effect on her percentage of OT that she will receive. The speech therapist commented that it was nice to see that we did not coddle her and we let her explore and have a mind of her own. I told her I always expect more than she is probably capable of doing. They said she has a drive to learn and be independent. Amen to that! Too much sometimes! We meet again in December to discuss her IEP(individual education plan).


Praying I hear from the surgeon this week to set up a time for a biopsy. There is a billboard in Seymour as you are going West on 50. It is right past CVS to your right. It shows an African-American woman, and it says, "I am powerful." I do not even know what the board is advertising, but looking at it, it is powerful. I love it. I always have to remember that "I am powerful." And not in the sense of wealth or materialistic things, but because I am a strong individual and that I know my God is there beside me through all of this. I am not naive. I know this is going to be a tough journey. I don't ever ask why? I never have with Claire either. I know for a fact that God chooses all of us to go through trials in our lives for a reason. That being said, I don't think I am ready to say Thank you for giving me cancer, but I know there is a reason and he chose me for whatever reason that is.


Peace!

Gayla, I know. It is very frustrating. Another 2 weeks of waiting is going to drive me nuts, but as I said, I have to learn patience. I feel confident and comfortable with this DR because she does routine biopsies on the nodes and is a well reputable surgeon. Although I did have to laugh...my mom told me of a man who had her as his surgeon and really liked her.(and this was before I had finally heard from her!) I said ya, I am real impressed with her so far! Ha! Honestly, I know that once I have the biopsy things will go fast from there. Oh Gayla, yes, you can add me to your sidebar.
I just want to thank everyone again for the wonderful emails, comments and well wishes. As far as helping out, I am sure I will need help once I start treatment. Not sure about chemo, but I know radiation is everyday generally.
Great day to cuddle up with your kids and spouses!

I called the DR office again this morning. Finally got to talk with a person! Her assistant did not find anything in her records as far as scheduling a biopsy for me. She told me she would talk to Dr Rager and get back with me. Dr Rager just called me. She said she consulted with the radiologist and the nodes are too close to blood vessels to do the needle biopsy. She is going to have to do a lapriscopic biopsy. If this does not work, she will have to make an incision and I will have to spend a couple days in the hospital. So, her plans are to go in and remove a node to look at. She told me she didn't think this was a pressing issue and that they were booked until Thanksgiving anyway. So at this point looks like I won't be having my biopsy until the first week of December. And so I wait....some more! Ugh! I am even wondering now if I won't start treatment until the first of the year. By the time I get the biopsy and then hook up with an oncologist, I am sure it will not be until January. All I can do is pray and pray for patience, because at this point that seems to be what I am lacking!
Have a wonderful weekend!

For those having issues posting comments, and I know you are out there! ha! All you need to do is click onto "comments" underneath my post, go into leave comments, and then publish comments. Thanks!

It has been a disappointing week. I heard nothing from the DR in Indy. I was told to call by Thursday if I did not hear from her. I called Tuesday and today. The only number I have goes directly to her assistant's vm. I even called Schneck to make sure they sent the disc to her. They sent it overnight the same day! So I know they have it. It is nervewracking to be in this situation and not have a solution. Once I have the biopsy at least I will be able to know what kind of lymphoma I have. And there are so many different types. I have included some links my sister passed on to give you an idea:
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/CRI_2_3x.asp?dt=32 and
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/CRI_2_3x.asp?dt=84
I am hoping to hear something before the weekend. Surely they won't leave me hanging until Monday!
The biggest problem I am having right now is that this is all happening when I want to be able to teach Claire so much. I feel like she is going to get the short end of the stick this year. I have been told over and over again that I need to put myself first during this process. How do you do that as a mother and wife? Esp of a special needs child? I love being home with her and being able to teach her so many things. But with her starting preschool in January, I can rest assure that most of her needs will be met there. I just know that this coming year will be filled with appts., treatments, and recovery. All I can do is "Trust in my heavenly Father." Thank you Cheri!(and Aunt Dot)
Saturday I am getting my hair cut. It has been 8 weeks because I thought I would let it grow out. I have no patience for this. Sunday we are taking Claire to the refuge where our friends Bill and Lois Bryden are going to take photos of her. Dennis is wanting family photos as well...we will see about that! Ha!
Blessings and Peace!

Today is Veterans Day(Happy birthday mom!). Don't forget to lift a prayer for the veterans and the men and women serving us now in the armed forces. Pray for them not just today, but everyday. They are awesome heroes.
I am requesting a couple of prayers for some friends and family members. My cousin Tommy died Tuesday of a heart attack. Please pray for his family. While we all know that he has been called to something greater, the family still grieves his lose.
I received an email from my friend Lissa. Her daughter Karsen, who has Angelmans syndrome, is having feeding issues. They will be spending the next week at St Vincents trying to help Karsen and figure out what is going on. Please keep them all in prayer as well. Karsen is a trooper and beautiful child. To learn more about Angelman's, I have included a link:http://www.angelman.org/stay-informed/facts-about-angelman-syndrome/
Blessings on your day!

It is a cold day in Seymour but the sun is shining. I have posted a couple of videos to songs I really like. One of them is from Third Day and titled "Take it all." The other is from Point of Grace and is, "How you lived." Sorry rock fans, these are both from contemporary Christian groups!
I have decided to give Dr Rager's office a call tomorrow to make sure they have gotten the disc that they need to set up my biopsy. I am trying not to live in this bubble that I feel I am in. It is hard for me to hear of other's hardships when I want to shout,"But I have cancer!" and anyone who knows me knows that this is not me. I feel I am a compassionate and caring person. I really don't like the focus to be on me. So please forgive me. Once I feel I am on track I will feel more in tuned to what is going on around me.
Enjoy the rest of the day!

We had a good weekend. Yesterday we went to a couple of craft shows and then up to Target to get Claire's Christmas present, a play kitchen set. I know she is going to love it! I actually laid on the couch the rest of the afternoon. Not a feat so easy to do for me. Sunday was church and a 3 hour nap!
I had a small meltdown on Saturday night. I hate having those. I know better. They do me no good and no one else either. It just feels as though there are so many steps to get to where I want to be with this whole "cancer" thing. Ideally I would love to start any treatment before Christmas. I do not like to lolly gag around. This being said, we will have to wait and see what the oncologists feels is the best thing to do. I am certainly putting all of this in God's hands.
The next few months are going to be so busy. Claire gets tested the 17th at school by all the therapists and school psychologists. I hope she does not have her game on and gets lots of services! Ha! A couple of weeks after that we have her first IEP(Individual Education Plan) She then starts preschool in January. She is certainly coming into her own. She can put her own socks on now. So much to always work on, but the end result is awesome!
Hopefully I will be able to tell you that in a few days I will have a biopsy scheduled. Who ever thought I would actually want to get all of this done!
Have a wonderful blessing filled week!

Today has been a good day. Even though the appt didnt go as I would have liked yesterday. I do feel it is at least a step forward in the right direction. Claire and I went to story time at the library which she loves! I love to see her get up and dance and participate and do all the motions just like all the other kiddos.
I decided not to go to the concert tonight. Just not feeling like being around a large crowd of people. We are meeting some friends for dinner instead, so that will be nice. Not alot planned for the weekend but rest!
Hope everyone has a good one!

Today I had my DR appt with the surgeon at Clarion West. Wasn't what I would have liked. Dr Rager is very nice and well spoken. Unfortunately, I did not have a disc of my CT-scan or PET scan. She really needed to see this to find out where the lymphnodes are. She could not feel them in my abs or my collarbone. Though there was fullness more on the left side of my collar bone.

Being that she is a surgeon, she did not feel comfortable making a diagnosis. This being said, we all admitted that having a 2 inch swollen lymphnode is not common.

The next step is to have the biopsy. She is hoping it will just be a needle biopsy and she can do that in her office. She needs to consult with the radiologists to see exactly where the nodes are. I am sure the collarbone will be the easiest to test. After this we should know within 3-4 days what type of lymphoma I have. If I would have gone to Seymour for my biopsy, it would have taken longer to get the tests back, etc... I am so thankful I chose to go elsewhere. As far as surgery, she felt that the nodes with cancer would not have to be surgically removed. She felt that this way we could track them and the treatment and see they were responding to the treatment. Also, she felt a surgical biopsy would be the last resort.

After we find out what kind of lymphoma, she will hook me up with an oncologist at IU med.

So, I am disappointed not having left there with scheduled biopsy, but I should hear something from her within a week.

I have to remember that God is in control. It is hard when you are a control freak and like to have things the way you want to have them yesterday! Ha!

Once again, thank you for your daily prayers. It is overwhelming for me to know that people that dont even know me are praying for me.

Tomorrow night I am going with the youth group from Peace to the Third Day concert at IU auditrium. Diana Thomas and her kids are going with as well. Please lift them up in prayer as well. It has not been that long ago that she lost her husband Jim to cancer. I am hoping this concert will be a good outlet for them.

Another beautiful day! Thank you Lord for the sunshine! I want to thank everyone for the cards and well wishes I have received so far. It does my heart good. Claire has her horseback riding lessons tonight. She wakes up every morning signing "horse." She loves these lessons! I am so happy she does. They are so good for her. Dennis is going to take her alone tonight so that I can have alittle time to myself. I think that is good!
My sister and I are anxious to see the DR tomorrow in Indy and see what she has to say. At least this is a start in the right direction.
At least this week I am a little more focused than last week. I think I was in a daze the whole week. I really do. Knowing that God has a plan for me and my recovery makes me more at peace. I don't feel I am as strong as people think I am. I am just realistic and know I have a family to raise and I know that for a fact it is not doing anyone any good being all worried and depressed. Claire is a smart cookie and in the last few weeks she has known that something is going on because she has been so clingy. This is a better week.
Go out and enjoy the day!

What a beautiful morning! Claire and I need to get out and take a walk around the neighborhood. I think the leaves on the trees are finally turning and looking gorgeous! I love fall, it is my favorite time of the year.
Thank you all for accepting my invitation to join me on this journey. I believe this blog will help me get through alot of bumps in the road to come and it is such a blessing to read that you are all praying for me. Know that your families are in my prayers as well. I know for a fact that prayer is the most precious and powerful gift you can give anyone! This is all I will ever ask of any of you.
"Bring me joy, bring me peace,
bring the chance to be free,
bring me anything that brings you glory.
And I know there'll be days, when this life brings me pain,
but if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus Bring the Rain."

Lyrics and song by Mercy Me, "Bring the Rain."

Monday, November 3,2008

This is my first post to this blog. I am so blessed to have so many friends and family praying for me, that I thought it would be a good idea to try my hand at blogging to keep them updated on what is going on.


People have to realize that cancer is not a bad thing to talk about. It drives me crazy the people I meet that do not want to talk about it. Why not?


My journey began with a kidney stone. Talk about a "God thing." The end result was a PET scan. This found the 5 swollen lymph nodes in my abdomen. The largest being 2 inches long. A lymph node is typically the size of a bean. The PET scan also found a swollen node underneath my collar bone on the left side of my body. I am thankful that the cancer is confined to the lymph nodes thus far.



Thursday I have an appt with a DR in Indy that does biopsies on the nodes and removes them as well. In my ideal world, I would get in next week for the biopsy as well. I know this will highly be unlikely.



I am so anxious to get the biopsies done and to find out what kind of lymphoma I have as well as what the Dr feel will be the best treatment.



It is so mentally draining to know that there is cancer inside of me and not being able to control it.

I have to say too that I am so blessed to have the best husband in the world. I know this is hard on him as well. We have shed a few tears together over this as we did when we got our daughter's diagnosis almost 3 years ago. This in itself has taught me that cancer is not a bad word or the end of the world. Down syndrome was not either.

Right now I look to my sister for inspiration. She was diagnosed 8 years ago with lymphoma. She went through radiation. I am hoping to be as lucky, but feel I will need chemo as well if not just chemo. We decided to have a party if I go through chemo and lose my hair. My sister will do the honor of shaving my head. I have already that I refuse to wear a wig! I have nothing to hide and it is not about my hair.

Today I am thankful for the sunshine and the beautiful weather.