Sunday, July 26, 2009

People say, oh I could never do that! But when you meet cancer patients you understand the bravery and spirit those people show each and every day. Their struggles motivate and inspire you to test the limitsof your endurance and to cross that finish line. You'll be surprised by whatyou can do."- John Kellenyi, Eight-time marathoner and leading fundraiser withThe Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team In Training.
After spending the week in bed, it was good to get out for a bit Sunday. We went to the Jackson County fair. I think I sat more than I walked! I still tire really easily. It was good seeing alot of friends we have not seen for awhile. I only ate a few fries and bites of my pork chop. But I got that to go so I will munch on that tomorrow. That was the one thing I was really looking forward to. The Pork producers have the best food! I did support St Ambrose by getting Claire a hot dog and french fries.
Thank you for everyone who keeps us in their prayers. This is all I ask of everyone. Please lift up the Joray family who lost their mom, wife, and best friend this week to cancer. This breaks my heart and scares me at the same time. You try and stay as positive as you can. But not everyone survives and you just keep praying you are one of the survivors. I am sure year after year, no, I should say, month after month, I will pray that my cancer is in remission. I also know we never know what God's plan is and we should never question it, but sometimes being human that is hard.
Enjoy the week. I think we are in for some more rain.
Blessings!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The five stages of grief:

Today I am angry. I think I skip around them alot. I got past denial quickly. I don't even know if I went through this stage because I knew I had cancer. I also don't recall the bargaining stage. I am not very good at that so I am sure I skipped that too! Anger, depression, and acceptance seem to be the ones I go back and forth on.

I am angry today because I feel my body is letting me down. I feel it should be here for strength and I am not feeling strong today. I am feeling very weak and tired and just cannot stand to sit on the toilet anymore! And even though I am angry today, I have also accepted that this is the way it is going to be the remainder of my treatments. I am sorry, but anyone who has cancer or had cancer, and said it did not affect them emotionally is in major DENIAL!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot help but think every day when I wake up that I have a life threatening disease inside my body. And while I know the chemo is helping fight that disease, it is hard because chemo messes with your good cells and your bad cells.

I am angry because I feel bad that my husband feels he should be able to help me and he feels helpless. Cancer is so unfair to everyone involved. Please pray for those going through this horrible, horrible disease. And take a minute to think about what stages of grief that you would go through.

Blessings!





Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Not a good day. Started out last night not being able to sleep at all. I even took some Tylenol PM and no luck. I think I got to sleep around 5 a.m. Thank you Katie and Beth Anne for watching Claire today so that I could make my appointments and get some rest. Eating ice cream at 2:30 in the morning and then an egg roll at 4:30 is not my idea of fun. Especially when the egg roll reared it's ugly head again! I need to talk with Dr O when she gets back from vacation and see if there is something that they can give me to sleep on the nights after chemo.
I was exhausted of course and just nausea as all get out today. I don't know honestly how many times one can get sick. It is bad when you throw up Gatorade and can't even keep that down! My stomach muscle ache from getting sick! I am telling you, I am not meant to be bulimic! It is too painful and gross to boot! I have even started waiting until the evening to take my regular meds that I am on as to make sure I don't throw them up!
Saw Dr Le and things are going well as far as recovery. I will see him again after Labor day. Such a great surgeon and all around human being.
Tomorrow Claire is going to mom and dad's. I am sure it will not be a fun morning. This is the day where I really am tired and sick. Ugh!
On a good note: I saw Jan today when I was at the Cancer center getting my shot. She was released from the hospital so that is definitely good. Made my day to say the least!
Enjoy the week and all it's blessings!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Good news today at chemo. My potassium levels were "normal" so I did not have to receive any by IV. I told them I was not taking the supplements. They upset my stomach too much. Sorry, I will suffer as much as I can and then forget it! There is only so much one can take! And I was glad my counts were good so they were able to treat me. They had to send a couple of people away today. It is just hard when the Dr is on vacation. I left the building and immediately felt like my face was on fire! As soon as I hit the heat it does it to me after chemo. Was glad to get in the car and cool down! Darned steroids!
Looking forward to Dennis and Claire coming home this afternoon. Hopefully I won't sleep the day away! I go see Dr Le tomorrow and I think that it is for him. Yeah! One less Dr to have to see!
Please lift a prayer up for my friend Jan. She is really having a rough time this go around of her treatments. She was admitted into the hospital last night. She has a fever and aches and pains. They gave her fluids and antibiotics, so here's hoping she will be feeling better.
Blessings!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Time flies. And this time it is a good thing.Dennis and Claire are on their way home. They are spending the night North of Milwaukee and then will be home mid afternoon tomorrow. I cannot wait to see them! I have really missed them. Though I have to say, it has been nice to have the quiet. Nice not to have to close the bathroom door!
Thursday night I had dinner with my friend Jennifer. (thank you Jennifer) Friday night we opened up our garage sale. Don't think I would do another Friday night sale. We did fairly well the next day. I know we didn't have as much as we usually have because I just did not have the energy to really clean out things.
Saturday night I went to a pool party. Listened to the Coral Reefer Band. They are good. And I am partial to the T.O.G. Band. Good to get out for a bit.
Sunday was mass and then a long nap! I ran to Foods Plus and left my Gatorade there! Ugh! I hate it because it happens to me all the time, it is on the other side of town, and that is basically all I am drinking right now! Definitely a Charlie Brown moment!
Tomorrow I head to the chemo lounge for treatment #8, round 4! I come to hate Sundays before chemo day. And I hate Monday nights after chemo because I do not sleep. I think I am so pumped up on the drugs that I just don't sleep!
Hopefully this week will not be too bad, please pray that it isn't!
Love and Blessings on your week!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

P.S. I am such a bad friend....Happy Belated Birthday to my friend Pam Norwich! Hopefully you are reading this Pam. I love you!
What an emotional week. Why don't men go through these things? I am so over all of this crap that is going on in my life. And by crap I mean cancer. I hate the situation in my life right now. I am finding it hard to stay positive sometimes. I know some people read this blog and want to hear all the good things and happy things, but realistically, there is nothing happy about cancer. I am not trying to be negative, I am being honest. My reality right now is this cancer and it sucks big time! I am so tired of not feeling well. I am also tired of getting sick so much this time around. I never know when it is going to hit me. Last night Claire and I were cuddling and all of the sudden I had to run to the bathroom and get sick! Ugh!

Please don't get me wrong, I am blessed in more ways than I can count. I have so many good things in my life aside of the cancer. But right now, THIS IS MY LIFE. And cancer is a part of it. More than I would like. I wish I could say I am great everyday and go on with my life. I am not. I am tired. I am sick. My body does not like this.


I hope everyone is having a good week.

Blessings!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

This week was really hard. I felt queasy and was very tired. Thank you to all my family that helped out with Claire, I couldn't have done it without you! I am constantly reminded that I am still recovering from my surgery on top of chemo.
Cancer really is a lonely disease. No one can tell you they know what you are "going through." Even my friend Michelle who has been through more than I ever went through with lymphoma, cannot know what I am going through. For me it is an emotional roller coaster and I apologize to my family and friends for that if I am short or cranky. It is hard for me because some days are good and some days are bad. I used to not like to play things "by ear." But I have learned to and are more comfortable that way. I am just so ready for all of this to be over with. I am tired of chemo, I am tired of recovering from this surgery. I feel like it is wearing on my body. I know, I know, in the end it will all be worth it.
Not much going on this week. Claire starts back on her horseback riding lessons. Dennis is going to take Claire up north for his class reunion. I am nervous about this seeing how it is a long (at least 10 hours) long drive. I just don't want him to get frustrated when she is whining in the car and wants this and wants that while he is driving. He is a braver man than I would be. So...
my sister and I are having a garage sale. We are having it Friday night and then Saturday a.m.
Enjoy your week and blessings!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Today was my 7th treatment and I am half way through! I went in at 9 and thought I didn't have to give blood this time or see Dr O. Wrong! I had to do both. So I gave blood and just hung around until I had to see Dr O. Thank you Dennis for my laptop. All my counts looked good except for my potassium and it was not dangerously low. I talked them into giving me the liquid form. I could have cut the others in half, but I would rather take the liquid. Dr O was very optimistic about my counts. She mentioned again that she did not want to do a cat scan since the last one I had in the hospital( after the 5th treatment) showed the nodes had shrunk then. I told her it is really taking a toll on my body this time. We agreed with the surgery that it was just going to be that way until the end. I told her I know, I need to "get over it!" She had her 14 year old daughter there with her today. It was funny. She was in the room with us and most of the time she was looking at her fingernails! You could tell she was interested....NOT! Cute kid though and polite. So Dr O is getting ready to go on vacation for the next 2 weeks. Poor thing is headed to France where her mother lives. Just so happens the Tour De France passes her moms house. So next time I go in, as long as my counts look good, the nurses can treat me. Once again she emphasis that she wants me to maintain my weight and not lose anymore. I promised I would and after chemo I am losing more! Though I cannot tell you the last time I weighed this!
I just need to thank everyone again. We so appreciate the food, the cards, and the company you have given us. It means so much to us.
I did find out today that a friends father has a tumor that has grown. They can no longer treat him in Seymour and he is going back up to his DR at IU med. Hopefully there are clinical studies or something else they can do for him. I hated it because I was there getting treatment when they got the news and it broke my heart. So please lift up a prayer for him and his family. I pray God gives them the strength and peace they need to face this new journey they are on.
Blessings to you all!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

The weekend was fine. It was nice having Dennis home for 3 days. We took Claire to get a bob hair cut for the summer. Shout out to Katie and Brett for helping with that. Getting her hair cut is not high on Claire's list of fun things to do. It looks really cute! She looks so much older! Boo-hoo!

We had a pretty uneventful weekend. Saturday we went to the park and listened to Mike and the T.O.G. band. Always a good time! We came home and took naps and pretty much stayed in the rest of the night. It was so rainy.

I just got back from taking a walk around the block and I am tired! I probably could have walked farther, but I was tired anyway. Seem to be having a hard time getting back into chemo this round. I go tomorrow for treatment #7 and am not looking forward to it. I just want it all over with! Between the surgery and my chemo I am so over all of this!

There is a blog that I enjoy reading. It is www.cancerlost.blogspot.com. She calls it "I kicked cancer's @ss." Obviously a survivor! She has some great stories on there about other survivors and their stories, very good and interesting. Check it out if you have time.

Enjoy your week. I know this will be a hard week for me since I have chemo, but hey, that is life! And I am alive so that is all that matters!

Blessings!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Having a blah day. I guess I should say I am feeling sorry for myself day. And I don't know why I am feeling bad for having it. We all have them. If you say you don't I know you are lying!
Had a nice lunch with my friend Janet (thank you). Came home and it just hit me. Bam! I feel like this recovery is holding me back. I feel like the world is going on around me and I am stuck in this bubble trying to recover. I am just trying to gain strength day to day and it is really getting me down. I want to carry my child. I want to take her places by myself. I want to take her to the playground on beautiful days like today and I can't. My upper body and lower body for that matter strength just isn't there. I want to get out and walk and walk and walk. Not just up the street and back. Then there is the cancer thing.... this is not as bad. In fact, I was doing fine until this constructive bowel issue came along!
You know and then there is the family thing. I feel like I am putting my family through so much and I don't want to. I really did not want them to see me on a ventilator, I really did not want them to see me with 30 pounds of fluid I had on me. I don't want them to see me having bad days. Then I feel like they worry about me. I just want this whole process of recovery from the surgery and my chemo to be over with. I really want to feel like a "normal" person. Ok, I can tell it is time to talk to my friend Michelle, who went through all of this a couple of years ago. She is the one I run to when I feel this way.
It does my heart good to know that tomorrow is a new day. And I have wine coolers in the house! Ha! You k now, you are told when you have chemo not to drink alcohol or have anything like mouthwash with alcohol because it can put sores in your mouth. I had a bit of wine the other night and I did just fine. I thought that was a good sign! ha!
I hope everyone enjoys your weekend in case I do not blog until then.
Blessings!