Having a really down day. I have decided that there is more emotional crap to deal with after chemo then during chemo. I would say I just want my life back to how it was before all of this happened, but I know that is not possible. I will never be the same.
Dr Towriss' office called and are concerned about my potassium levels. Very low. I told the nurse that I tried the pills and the liquid and both upset my stomach. I had to call the cancer center to let them know that Dr T wanted to make sure this was being managed somehow and checked. I told Lyndie and Melanie both that now that chemo is over with, I will try to take the pills. My Rx is for 2x a day, but Melanie said Dr T was going easy on me and letting me take it just 1x a day. I go back to the center in 2 weeks and they are going to take blood to check the levels.
I noticed this weekend when I was doing so much coughing that there is a little bulge in my belly...hmmm... Beth Anne and I figured out I probably have a hernia! Just what I need huh? I go in to Dr Le on Tuesday and I will show him. Can you believe it? When am I going to catch a break? I am terrified to go under anesthesia again. Look what happened last time? I don't want to wake up on a ventilator again!
This is one of those days that I question my reason for being here. What is my purpose? I feel like this year I have let my body down. How much more can it take? I guess I dig so deep I forget to look at Claire and know that she is the reason. I forget to look at Dennis and know that he is the reason. Not that they need me, but I know they want me in their lives and I want to be in their lives. I want to be present. I want to be able to go out into the sunshine without feeling so flushed all of the time. I want I want I want.... I want to not cry all of the time. I know that folks thought that since my last day of chemo was Monday that it was over, it has just begun.
Please lift up prayers for those that don't have the opportunity to blog and bitch about their lives like I am doing. Believe you me, I know how blessed I am to even be alive!
Please pray for Angie Robinson's family. Please pray for my friend Mick who is at home just trying to stay comfortable. Thank you for these prayers.
Blessings.