What a nice week it has been. Claire has had a full week of school! So nice. I have been able to walk in the mornings and do other things too. Monday I met with a woman who I have been emailing back and forth for a few months. She has breast cancer. Monday was the day I got to meet her. It was her last chemo treatment and she invited me there to meet her. I brought her flowers to celebrate. I sure remember my last day! So that was nice. Today I went back to visit with a friend from church that has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is now undergoing chemo. I am amazed at some of these peoples attitudes. I don't know how some of them stay focused and don't get upset. I know some people are afraid to cry and get upset. I sure wasn't. And when I was having a bad day, you all knew about it! I guess this blog has been therapeutic for me.
I am still trying to get that stubborn 10 pounds off! Somehow I don't think the breaded tenderloin I had for dinner is going to help! Dennis and I actually split one. They are so big. But it sure tasted good! You have to indulge sometimes.
Blessings and enjoy the weekend!

This was a crazy and exhausting week. Claire was out of school all week except for today. She doesn't have school on Mondays anyway, but T and W they were out of school and then T was a 2 hour delay, but she had a Riley appt.

Monday night our LLS Support group met and it was great. We had a dietitian intern speak to our group and then we broke into 2 groups. The Leukemia group was lead by Beth Anne and I took the Lymphoma group. I was amazed at how much people really opened up once they got into the smaller group.

All week I have been feeling down. Sometimes I just feel like I don't know what I am meant to do in this life. I know I have been called to serve. I try to do this through our support group and through helping other people who are going through a new diagnosis. But is this enough? I have to question this. There are so many things that have changed for me since I have had cancer.

I think back before I had cancer. I knew who I was. I sometimes feel so lost. I lived my life in a bubble for a year and to come out is so odd for me. It is like being in prison for a year and getting out. I now know what those people feel like. I sometimes feel myself not wanting to interact with people. Or I feel uncomfortable around them. I cant describe the feeling. I know people say that you cannot let cancer control you, but honestly, it does. And it did for me. It controlled my whole life for a year.

Tonight I went up to the funeral home. A classmate of mine's grandmother died. Earlier this month she told us that her aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mascetomy. I decided to send her a card just to let her know if she needed to talk or whatever. She was so nice when I met her. She told me what a wonderful person I was for doing that. I told her receiving cards from people you don't know is the best! It really made me feel good. I think then it made me realize that even though I went through hell for a year, it was well worth it, if I can share with other people what I went through and comfort them, it was worth it.

Looking forward to a day out tomorrow with my BFF.

Enjoy the weekend.

Blessings!

Today was bittersweet. I attended a funeral for my ex husband's grandmother. Yes, I was married before. She was 87 and had been in failing health for the last year. She was one of the sweetest, funniest, yet could be annoying ,women I had ever met. She always had a smile on her face and was always positive no matter what was going on with her. They read that poem, "the dash." I love this poem. I had heard it before. It was so good to see my ex in laws too and to spend alittle bit of time with them despite the circumstances.
It is so hard to explain to people when they ask if everything is "OK" now, exactly how you feel. Will my life ever be OK after cancer. I don't know. I will spend every month getting my port flushed, every 3 months visiting my oncologist and every 6 months getting a scan. What is "ok?" I don't get too upset with people because really, most of them just don't get it. They just don't understand or do they know what it is like "after cancer." I don't know if there is really any "after cancer." I said once before that I have become more cynical and I have. This does not mean I am not eternally grateful for my health and all the blessings I have in my life, I just question people more and I guess I am probably alittle more outspoken than I was before.
I am a couple weeks away from my lifting restriction and I will be so happy when that is up. I got to quit wearing my binder Friday. The Velcro was wearing! It wouldn't stay together! I cannot say enough good things about Dr Le. He has been one of the many blessings that came into my life despite the cancer.
Looks like the weather is slowly getting warmer!
Enjoy the week and all it's blessings!