It was a nice week. The weather was beautiful and I was able to get outside and walk. It really is amazing how much sunshine and fresh air can make a difference in attitude. I am sure everyone is ready for spring.
Spring break is this week. I know I will enjoy having Claire home. We have been busy feeding our babies, bathing them and putting them down for naps lately. They say children learn by example. Nothing is more true than this. Mom and dad were watching Claire one afternoon. Mom had a small plastic bottle that is suppose to be lotion or perfume. Mom was using as perfume. When Claire took it she was pretending it was deodorant! The things they see when we least expect it! too funny!
I was going to do a 21 day study at the health club here in town. They needed 50 people and have 100 doing the study. The more I looked into it, the more I decided it wasn't going to be for me. Instead I am going to a personal trainer. I am doing 10 sessions with her. It will be for 30 minutes a week. I really need to build up my core muscles before I can do a whole lot more. I said I have none since 2 surgeons cut into them! Ha!
Thursday I go to get my port flushed and blood work done and a quick visit with Dr O. Hoping my levels are good! Dad called me last Friday and let me know that a man in our support group is terminal. He spoke with his wife. Apparently his Leukemia was advanced when they found it. All they can do is make him comfortable. Please keep him and his family in your prayers. My prayers also go out to the Hatton family.
Next weekend Chicago! Yeah!
Enjoy the week and it's blessings!

We had a good weekend. We didn't have anything planned. This weekend will be a different story. Friday night I went down to visit with a neighbor. She really helped me bring light to alot of different things. It was therapeutic and I thank her for that. Here I listen to so many others and their journeys, that sometimes it is good for me to have someone who has not been there to talk to and give me a different perspective on things.
Lance Armstrong once said that, "Cancer may leave my body, but it will never leave my life." This is so true!
After I got Claire on the bus Friday I had a meltdown. I laid in bed for 2 hours and cried! I needed this. I have been holding so much in lately, that I just needed to cry and get it over with. Then I got up and cleaned out my closet! I am getting rid of all my old clothes that are left that are too big. There is no need to keep the sweatshirts etc... I have nice flannel pajamas etc... I have held on to a few things and for no reason. It is just a reminder of my life before I was sick and I need to move on. I know I will never be the same person. Anyone who faces a life threatening illness or event and survives, is ever the same. I know I am more emotional about things that for sure. If not having Claire 4 years ago did that enough! Ha!
I just told someone that when Claire was born, I never questioned why. But when you get sick with cancer, you go through the would've, could've and should've's. I think it is just natural to do that. But I have to get over the guilt too and that has been the hardest thing. I know having cancer has caused my family alot of sadness. It has also caused us alot of financial issues we never had before, even with insurance. But honestly, we are still being blessed with people doing things that are incredible. A local sorority gave us 2 scholarships for Claire to do her horseback riding. That is well over $400.00. Even Dennis got teary eyed over that one! So the blessings never stop!
I go see Dr Le Thursday, for hopefully the last time! I say that every visit! Ha! Friday my sister and I along with a nurse from the Cancer Ctre are going to an educational program in Indy sponsored by the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. My sister and I are anxious to see if any of the speakers are familiar with the rare type of lymphoma we had.
Blessings for the week!

What a nice week it has been. Claire has had a full week of school! So nice. I have been able to walk in the mornings and do other things too. Monday I met with a woman who I have been emailing back and forth for a few months. She has breast cancer. Monday was the day I got to meet her. It was her last chemo treatment and she invited me there to meet her. I brought her flowers to celebrate. I sure remember my last day! So that was nice. Today I went back to visit with a friend from church that has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is now undergoing chemo. I am amazed at some of these peoples attitudes. I don't know how some of them stay focused and don't get upset. I know some people are afraid to cry and get upset. I sure wasn't. And when I was having a bad day, you all knew about it! I guess this blog has been therapeutic for me.
I am still trying to get that stubborn 10 pounds off! Somehow I don't think the breaded tenderloin I had for dinner is going to help! Dennis and I actually split one. They are so big. But it sure tasted good! You have to indulge sometimes.
Blessings and enjoy the weekend!

This was a crazy and exhausting week. Claire was out of school all week except for today. She doesn't have school on Mondays anyway, but T and W they were out of school and then T was a 2 hour delay, but she had a Riley appt.

Monday night our LLS Support group met and it was great. We had a dietitian intern speak to our group and then we broke into 2 groups. The Leukemia group was lead by Beth Anne and I took the Lymphoma group. I was amazed at how much people really opened up once they got into the smaller group.

All week I have been feeling down. Sometimes I just feel like I don't know what I am meant to do in this life. I know I have been called to serve. I try to do this through our support group and through helping other people who are going through a new diagnosis. But is this enough? I have to question this. There are so many things that have changed for me since I have had cancer.

I think back before I had cancer. I knew who I was. I sometimes feel so lost. I lived my life in a bubble for a year and to come out is so odd for me. It is like being in prison for a year and getting out. I now know what those people feel like. I sometimes feel myself not wanting to interact with people. Or I feel uncomfortable around them. I cant describe the feeling. I know people say that you cannot let cancer control you, but honestly, it does. And it did for me. It controlled my whole life for a year.

Tonight I went up to the funeral home. A classmate of mine's grandmother died. Earlier this month she told us that her aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mascetomy. I decided to send her a card just to let her know if she needed to talk or whatever. She was so nice when I met her. She told me what a wonderful person I was for doing that. I told her receiving cards from people you don't know is the best! It really made me feel good. I think then it made me realize that even though I went through hell for a year, it was well worth it, if I can share with other people what I went through and comfort them, it was worth it.

Looking forward to a day out tomorrow with my BFF.

Enjoy the weekend.

Blessings!

Today was bittersweet. I attended a funeral for my ex husband's grandmother. Yes, I was married before. She was 87 and had been in failing health for the last year. She was one of the sweetest, funniest, yet could be annoying ,women I had ever met. She always had a smile on her face and was always positive no matter what was going on with her. They read that poem, "the dash." I love this poem. I had heard it before. It was so good to see my ex in laws too and to spend alittle bit of time with them despite the circumstances.
It is so hard to explain to people when they ask if everything is "OK" now, exactly how you feel. Will my life ever be OK after cancer. I don't know. I will spend every month getting my port flushed, every 3 months visiting my oncologist and every 6 months getting a scan. What is "ok?" I don't get too upset with people because really, most of them just don't get it. They just don't understand or do they know what it is like "after cancer." I don't know if there is really any "after cancer." I said once before that I have become more cynical and I have. This does not mean I am not eternally grateful for my health and all the blessings I have in my life, I just question people more and I guess I am probably alittle more outspoken than I was before.
I am a couple weeks away from my lifting restriction and I will be so happy when that is up. I got to quit wearing my binder Friday. The Velcro was wearing! It wouldn't stay together! I cannot say enough good things about Dr Le. He has been one of the many blessings that came into my life despite the cancer.
Looks like the weather is slowly getting warmer!
Enjoy the week and all it's blessings!

This morning I decided to start walking. I went to the high school gym. You normally can walk downstairs or upstairs, but they were having a blood drive today downstairs. They made the walkers walk upstairs. I mention this because it takes more laps to make a mile upstairs. Well, I made it around a whole 1/2 mile! I decided not to push the mile. I was pretty happy considering I hadn't walked in a year. I want to start out slowly and build up my strength so I can zumba!
I found a great online place that you can keep track of your caloric intake. It is www.caloriecounter.com. It also rates the food you enter. I ate a granola bar yesterday and it gave it a C because it was high in sugar. Now they give pineapple a good rating, but do mention it being high in sugar as well. But as we all know, it is not processed sugar in pineapple.
I think I will begin to feel better as I exercise more and watch what I eat as well. I have another week of wearing my binder. I dont know if it is going to stay on that long! The Velcro is beginning to wear.
Looking forward to lunch with Becky and Linda at Kensington Tea Room tomorrow afternoon. Ahh. Adult company and conversations!
Blessings!

Our first support group meeting last night was a huge success! People just kept coming in and coming in and coming in. There were about 30 people there last night. We had to get more chairs. The conference room at the cancer center was packed! I was so excited! We all were. We decided that the second Monday of every month will be our meeting date. Mondays seemed to work for everyone. My heart went out to so many of those folks. I do admit I was proud of the survivors that came. They will be such a great asset to the folks that are going through treatment right now. A couple of families in particular. One man starts treatment today at St V's in Indy. They weren't even going to find out until today what type he had! He was scared and his mom was with him and she was scared and I know the wife was, but she held it together. She is a nurse in North Vernon. Really made me realize what my parents went through with me. Another couple, their son was getting treated right now too. Ironically, the two sons went to school together! Just alot of great fellowship!
This really makes me realize that this is just one of the things God has put me on earth to do.
Blessings!