I do believe this will be the last of my blog entries. I will still keep it open, but I doubt I will be entering much anymore.
Tuesday I got my port out. What a wonderful milestone for me. I would say one less reminder of my cancer, but I cant. Cancer will always be a part of my life. But just in a different form. I continue to Co facilitate the support group meetings. I also try to talk with other Lymphoma patients. Esp the ones going through treatment now.
So here is wishing everyone a healthy, happy, and wonderful Christmas and New Year!
Blessings as always!

Wow. It certainly has been awhile since I have posted anything. I don't even know if anyone still reads this blog! It has been a good year. All summer I reminisced on where I was last summer at this time. Last year just plain sucked! There is no other words for it, well, there is, but I will keep it clean.
I still sometimes wonder what my purpose in life is. But then I look at my daughter and I know. I am so blessed to be able to stay at home with her, but sometimes I miss the adult interaction. And there really aren't any neighbor kids around for her to play with. I really miss having the Preston's across the street! She played so well with their kids. At least she has preschool.
Our support group is doing great! We did lose another member last week. He was such a sweet, dear man. He will be greatly missed. I sure hope his wife feels comfortable coming back. She did tell Beth and I at his celebration of life that it would be awhile. But we are having Jan Grimm Lucas come speak to our group in January. She lives in Ogilvilee and wrote a book called, "my beautiful Leukemia." She had leukemia and had to have a stem cell transplant. She is in remission and doing great! I am so excited to have her come speak!
Like I said this year has been good. Unfortunately there have been several deaths due to that horrible disease called cancer. My heart breaks every time someone is diagnosed and when someone passes. I just don't wish what I went through on anyone. It takes a toll emotionally and physically.
I go back in December for my scan, blood work etc....Hoping we talk about getting my port out when we see each other in December.
So that is it for now.
Blessings always!

I know it has been awhile since I have blogged. Guess my life is calmer than last year! Ha!
Things are going well. Still trying to build up more strength. Seems like if I catch a cold or something else it takes me a bit longer to bounce back. But I know that will not always be the case. I have been exercising and trying to get my strength back that way. I have almost lost the 10 pounds I wanted to lose, now to get 10 more off and I will be happy.
Met with my oncologist last Thursday and everything looked good. Still have my bloodwork done every 3 months, port flushed every month and scans every 6 months. Hopefully after December we will go to annual scans! Yeah! And who knows when the port will come out. My veins are still pretty messed up. I felt bad, last Monday when I had my scan, the ER nurse could not access my port. It did enough to get the dye in. But I was thinking in my mind, "I never have issues with the nurses at the Cancer Ctr." Bite my tongue! When I went in Thursday for blood work etc... they had to find a vein.
Our support group is going great! Every month we have new folks coming. We did lose a member of our group a couple of months ago. The only down side of a group like ours. I am continually please at how tight our group has become in such a short time. One members Leukemia came back. This woman made up orange bracelets with his name on it to remember to pray for him. What a thoughtful idea! And I am proud to say that we are going to have a Light the Night walk here in Seymour September 12th. It is to benefit Leukemia/Lymphoma society. So excited to be able to have this walk. Not an easy task. They only allow walks in areas where they think they will be successful. With our group being so big, they figured we would have the support of the community.
Dennis is doing well. He got a promotion at work. He has lost weight as well and looks even hotter!
Claire is almost done with extended school. She has one more year of preschool and then off to kindergarten! I cannot even imagine! Her speech is really coming along. Her ST told me the other day that she does almost better in a group setting. If there are 2 other girls in there, she will say more. She said she knows as much language with her signs as they do.
Well friends, all for now.
Blessings

I have had a couple good weeks working out with my personal trainer. She is so awesome! Last week I left there with my legs feeling like Jell-o! This week not so bad! Last week I did some exercises on the ball. This week she has me doing some Pilate's. I really wish everyone could work with a trainer. I don't think people realize how weak they are in their core. This is when they go and do something they shouldn't have and injure themselves. I am glad we are starting at the core because in the end it will give me more stamina to do more cardio. Anyway, I love my trainer.
Last week's support group meeting went really well. We had the hospital psychologist and she was an absolute hoot! It was a lighter meeting believe it or not, and I think we all needed that. One member found out she is in remission so that is good news! So fulfilling when at least one person every month thanks us for this group.
Looks like it will be another beautiful week. Going to get out and continue my walking and I decided to write everything down that I am eating.
We have Kids Fest Saturday and a wedding that afternoon.
Blessings on your week!

It was a good week. The weather was fabulous and I got alot of walking in. It was my second time working with a personal trainer. Now, I am sure there are alot of things you can think about when you hear the word personal trainer. Let me see! Jillian Michaels or Bob Harper! I am not quite there yet! It was nice because the first time we sat down and talked about what my goals, etc were. My main goal is to build up my core muscles to give me the strength to do more. With 3 surgeries and having my stomach opened up each time, I am not sure how much muscle was cut into. I would be lying if I didn't want to lose 10 pounds, but right now if I can maintain and not gain while I build up my core muscles, I will be happy! The weight I have gained did not go where I wanted it to! Ha! So I am not real happy with my body right now.

Easter was nice. We went to mass, where the music was beautiful, and then to the Pines for lunch. I ate mostly veggies since I weigh in tomorrow! So we will see! We went for a walk around the neighborhood and ran into several people who we stopped and talked to. This is why we don't walk around the neighborhood! There is a young lady doing a paper on Down syndrome and wanted to know if we had any reference books. Of course we do! So we dropped those off at their house too.

Yesterday we had Claire's pictures taken. We had originally cancelled because it had rained in the a.m. and we figured the grass outside would be wet and we knew the Forestry would be muddy. But we ended up taking some here at home, inside and out. It was fun! Claire was worn out afterwards. We are going to get family photos taken at the forestry when the weather gets nicer.

I was hoping for a week without appts or meetings, but not so lucky. I go get my teeth cleaned Tuesday which is fine. Just nice to have to not plan on those things. I think I had enough of them last year!

Blessings!

I had my visit with Dr O last week. All my levels look good. She kept saying I looked great and strong. I am feeling stronger every day. I am actually finally getting comfortable with my body again. I know that may sound odd, but I had lost so much weight so fast, that it was hard on me to accept too. I knew I looked like a "cancer patient." We have agreed to scans every 6 months for the next 2 years. And I will see her every 3 months for blood work. So it goes.
I met with a personal trainer Monday. I am so excited to get started! She is going to be so awesome and so good for me. I am so excited to build up my core muscles. I know this will give me strength and give me energy in return.
I am loving my hair. It is wavy. It is longer too. I am on a mission to go Organic now. I am slowly going to do it with all our household items as well. My first goal was to get new deodorant. Dr Windley told my sister that deodorants with aluminum clog up the pores and this would not be good for those that have had lymphoma. So I got some Tom of Maine deodorant. Now I am after Organic shampoo. Can't imagine what all this stuff I do is doing to my body!
Looking forward to Dennis coming home tonight. He has been gone all week to a training class in Kansas City, MO. It was nice for him to be able to spend some time with his younger sister Karen, who lives an hour away from there. But Claire and I have missed him terribly.
Saturday we are going to Story Inn for Beth Anne's birthday. We are meeting Beth and Tony as well. Then Saturday night I have a house warming party to go to in Hope. A classmate of mine moved from VA and lives in Hope now. She is part of the group of us that go out every month.
Not much else going on.
Blessings on your weekend!

It was a nice week. The weather was beautiful and I was able to get outside and walk. It really is amazing how much sunshine and fresh air can make a difference in attitude. I am sure everyone is ready for spring.
Spring break is this week. I know I will enjoy having Claire home. We have been busy feeding our babies, bathing them and putting them down for naps lately. They say children learn by example. Nothing is more true than this. Mom and dad were watching Claire one afternoon. Mom had a small plastic bottle that is suppose to be lotion or perfume. Mom was using as perfume. When Claire took it she was pretending it was deodorant! The things they see when we least expect it! too funny!
I was going to do a 21 day study at the health club here in town. They needed 50 people and have 100 doing the study. The more I looked into it, the more I decided it wasn't going to be for me. Instead I am going to a personal trainer. I am doing 10 sessions with her. It will be for 30 minutes a week. I really need to build up my core muscles before I can do a whole lot more. I said I have none since 2 surgeons cut into them! Ha!
Thursday I go to get my port flushed and blood work done and a quick visit with Dr O. Hoping my levels are good! Dad called me last Friday and let me know that a man in our support group is terminal. He spoke with his wife. Apparently his Leukemia was advanced when they found it. All they can do is make him comfortable. Please keep him and his family in your prayers. My prayers also go out to the Hatton family.
Next weekend Chicago! Yeah!
Enjoy the week and it's blessings!

We had a good weekend. We didn't have anything planned. This weekend will be a different story. Friday night I went down to visit with a neighbor. She really helped me bring light to alot of different things. It was therapeutic and I thank her for that. Here I listen to so many others and their journeys, that sometimes it is good for me to have someone who has not been there to talk to and give me a different perspective on things.
Lance Armstrong once said that, "Cancer may leave my body, but it will never leave my life." This is so true!
After I got Claire on the bus Friday I had a meltdown. I laid in bed for 2 hours and cried! I needed this. I have been holding so much in lately, that I just needed to cry and get it over with. Then I got up and cleaned out my closet! I am getting rid of all my old clothes that are left that are too big. There is no need to keep the sweatshirts etc... I have nice flannel pajamas etc... I have held on to a few things and for no reason. It is just a reminder of my life before I was sick and I need to move on. I know I will never be the same person. Anyone who faces a life threatening illness or event and survives, is ever the same. I know I am more emotional about things that for sure. If not having Claire 4 years ago did that enough! Ha!
I just told someone that when Claire was born, I never questioned why. But when you get sick with cancer, you go through the would've, could've and should've's. I think it is just natural to do that. But I have to get over the guilt too and that has been the hardest thing. I know having cancer has caused my family alot of sadness. It has also caused us alot of financial issues we never had before, even with insurance. But honestly, we are still being blessed with people doing things that are incredible. A local sorority gave us 2 scholarships for Claire to do her horseback riding. That is well over $400.00. Even Dennis got teary eyed over that one! So the blessings never stop!
I go see Dr Le Thursday, for hopefully the last time! I say that every visit! Ha! Friday my sister and I along with a nurse from the Cancer Ctre are going to an educational program in Indy sponsored by the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. My sister and I are anxious to see if any of the speakers are familiar with the rare type of lymphoma we had.
Blessings for the week!

What a nice week it has been. Claire has had a full week of school! So nice. I have been able to walk in the mornings and do other things too. Monday I met with a woman who I have been emailing back and forth for a few months. She has breast cancer. Monday was the day I got to meet her. It was her last chemo treatment and she invited me there to meet her. I brought her flowers to celebrate. I sure remember my last day! So that was nice. Today I went back to visit with a friend from church that has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is now undergoing chemo. I am amazed at some of these peoples attitudes. I don't know how some of them stay focused and don't get upset. I know some people are afraid to cry and get upset. I sure wasn't. And when I was having a bad day, you all knew about it! I guess this blog has been therapeutic for me.
I am still trying to get that stubborn 10 pounds off! Somehow I don't think the breaded tenderloin I had for dinner is going to help! Dennis and I actually split one. They are so big. But it sure tasted good! You have to indulge sometimes.
Blessings and enjoy the weekend!

This was a crazy and exhausting week. Claire was out of school all week except for today. She doesn't have school on Mondays anyway, but T and W they were out of school and then T was a 2 hour delay, but she had a Riley appt.

Monday night our LLS Support group met and it was great. We had a dietitian intern speak to our group and then we broke into 2 groups. The Leukemia group was lead by Beth Anne and I took the Lymphoma group. I was amazed at how much people really opened up once they got into the smaller group.

All week I have been feeling down. Sometimes I just feel like I don't know what I am meant to do in this life. I know I have been called to serve. I try to do this through our support group and through helping other people who are going through a new diagnosis. But is this enough? I have to question this. There are so many things that have changed for me since I have had cancer.

I think back before I had cancer. I knew who I was. I sometimes feel so lost. I lived my life in a bubble for a year and to come out is so odd for me. It is like being in prison for a year and getting out. I now know what those people feel like. I sometimes feel myself not wanting to interact with people. Or I feel uncomfortable around them. I cant describe the feeling. I know people say that you cannot let cancer control you, but honestly, it does. And it did for me. It controlled my whole life for a year.

Tonight I went up to the funeral home. A classmate of mine's grandmother died. Earlier this month she told us that her aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mascetomy. I decided to send her a card just to let her know if she needed to talk or whatever. She was so nice when I met her. She told me what a wonderful person I was for doing that. I told her receiving cards from people you don't know is the best! It really made me feel good. I think then it made me realize that even though I went through hell for a year, it was well worth it, if I can share with other people what I went through and comfort them, it was worth it.

Looking forward to a day out tomorrow with my BFF.

Enjoy the weekend.

Blessings!

Today was bittersweet. I attended a funeral for my ex husband's grandmother. Yes, I was married before. She was 87 and had been in failing health for the last year. She was one of the sweetest, funniest, yet could be annoying ,women I had ever met. She always had a smile on her face and was always positive no matter what was going on with her. They read that poem, "the dash." I love this poem. I had heard it before. It was so good to see my ex in laws too and to spend alittle bit of time with them despite the circumstances.
It is so hard to explain to people when they ask if everything is "OK" now, exactly how you feel. Will my life ever be OK after cancer. I don't know. I will spend every month getting my port flushed, every 3 months visiting my oncologist and every 6 months getting a scan. What is "ok?" I don't get too upset with people because really, most of them just don't get it. They just don't understand or do they know what it is like "after cancer." I don't know if there is really any "after cancer." I said once before that I have become more cynical and I have. This does not mean I am not eternally grateful for my health and all the blessings I have in my life, I just question people more and I guess I am probably alittle more outspoken than I was before.
I am a couple weeks away from my lifting restriction and I will be so happy when that is up. I got to quit wearing my binder Friday. The Velcro was wearing! It wouldn't stay together! I cannot say enough good things about Dr Le. He has been one of the many blessings that came into my life despite the cancer.
Looks like the weather is slowly getting warmer!
Enjoy the week and all it's blessings!

This morning I decided to start walking. I went to the high school gym. You normally can walk downstairs or upstairs, but they were having a blood drive today downstairs. They made the walkers walk upstairs. I mention this because it takes more laps to make a mile upstairs. Well, I made it around a whole 1/2 mile! I decided not to push the mile. I was pretty happy considering I hadn't walked in a year. I want to start out slowly and build up my strength so I can zumba!
I found a great online place that you can keep track of your caloric intake. It is www.caloriecounter.com. It also rates the food you enter. I ate a granola bar yesterday and it gave it a C because it was high in sugar. Now they give pineapple a good rating, but do mention it being high in sugar as well. But as we all know, it is not processed sugar in pineapple.
I think I will begin to feel better as I exercise more and watch what I eat as well. I have another week of wearing my binder. I dont know if it is going to stay on that long! The Velcro is beginning to wear.
Looking forward to lunch with Becky and Linda at Kensington Tea Room tomorrow afternoon. Ahh. Adult company and conversations!
Blessings!

Our first support group meeting last night was a huge success! People just kept coming in and coming in and coming in. There were about 30 people there last night. We had to get more chairs. The conference room at the cancer center was packed! I was so excited! We all were. We decided that the second Monday of every month will be our meeting date. Mondays seemed to work for everyone. My heart went out to so many of those folks. I do admit I was proud of the survivors that came. They will be such a great asset to the folks that are going through treatment right now. A couple of families in particular. One man starts treatment today at St V's in Indy. They weren't even going to find out until today what type he had! He was scared and his mom was with him and she was scared and I know the wife was, but she held it together. She is a nurse in North Vernon. Really made me realize what my parents went through with me. Another couple, their son was getting treated right now too. Ironically, the two sons went to school together! Just alot of great fellowship!
This really makes me realize that this is just one of the things God has put me on earth to do.
Blessings!

I am sitting here this morning as Dennis and Claire go to church and then run up to Sam's afterwards. I am crying as I write this because I am so sick of feeling like an outsider. I feel like I will never get my life back again. I know, I know, " I am so close!" Ugh! I don't want to hear that! I am so close then why do I feel the way I do? Because...I have been to hell and back for 13 months of my life. No one can even know how I feel. I know things will get better, but for today they are not. I am having a bad day and that is what I want to have. No one has good days every day. I am sick of this drainage tube and I am sick of this binder. I sweat like a pig every night with this thing on, I can't get comfortable. I am on an antibiotic for 2 whole weeks! It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't 3x a day. I am sorry to sound negative and to complain, but, this is the way I feel today. I am just hoping I can adjust my mood before going out tonight or it won't be pleasant. The thing is, once Dennis and Claire walk in the door, I know things will get better. I enjoy my time alone, but I miss the company of other people. It is hard. So this is where I am at today. I sure hope you all are having a better day!

http://http://www.tribtown.com/news/cancer-19453-mary-beth.html
Here is a link to the story the Tribune did on Beth and I starting the Leukemia/Lymphoma support group. January did such a good job. She wanted to get a photo of Beth and I. Beth and I did not want to have a photo with the story. I didn't want to be the picture of Lymphoma.
I was trying to figure out what to do for Valentines Day for Claire's class. Last year I spent alot of time and made these really cute cards from a kit I got from Michael's. This year I wont do so much. There was something on Family Fun that had you put Teddy Grahams and Gummi Bears in clear plastic bags and on the card you put "Bear Hugs from Claire" I thought this would be cute and fast! Plus we always give on to the principal and the 2 secretaries. Plus we call her Claire Bear, so there!
Blessings!

I went to see Dr Le yesterday. My incision is healing well. I have an infection in one of my incisions where my drainage tubes are at. They did take one of the tubes out. I kept hearing it was going to hurt. It did not hurt at all. But he did put me on an antibiotic. My body just does not heal well when I have surgery. So yesterday I slept all day. I feel a bit better today. I think if I get through this day, I will feel alot better. I am very sore where they took the tube out. So who knows, maybe I wont have to blog in a nother month!
So Sunday a group of us girls are meeting at bW3's for dinner. I am looking forward to this.
Blessings!

The last couple of weeks have been good. Good as in other than the drain tubes hanging from each side of my body and the binder I wear 24/7. And I just spoke with my dear friend Michelle. She had a drainage tube with her gallbladder and told me it hurts like hell when they take them out! Now I am freaking out! I told her when I see Dr Le on Thursday, I am going to ask him about them and I will be smearing her name all over his office. I am going to tell him that I will either take my pain pills, or I will have to drink a fifth of something before I come in and have them removed. I wonder if I could do both! Ha!
Thank you to my husband Dennis who got me out of the house last night. We drove around for an hour. I am so getting cabin fever! I think I can actually drive now, but I still have a weight restriction. ugh! I am so ready to get on with my life! People have no idea how down I can get and how restricted I feel about putting my life on hold.
Looking forward to next week. Sunday a group of girls that I went to school with are getting together. It is interesting, none of us really ran in the same circle in high school, yet we have come together on Face book and reconnected. It is alot of fun. Seems to be a monthly thing at this point. Monday the 18th is the meet and greet for our new Leukemia/lymphoma support group at the cancer center in Seymour. I am so looking forward to this.
Have a wonderful week and enjoy the many blessings!

Happy New Years and greetings from Schneck Medical Center! Tuesday I came in for my hernia repair and they could not do it lapriscopically. There was too much scar tissue from the last surgery. I knew the minute I woke up they had to go in. So the surgery took a bit longer than expected, but went very well. The first couple of days have been more painful than the last. I have gotten off of oxygen, my IV and now we are pretty much just waiting for me to move my bowels before I can leave. I am hoping this happens in the afternoon tomorrow. But if I have to stay one more day, I have to. I would much rather be in the comfort of my own home, but we don't always get what we want, but we do get what we need. It has been nice to have Pastor Aaron come see me and pray with me as well as Deacon Mike. And dad of course has brought me communion.

Dennis brought Claire in today and I just wanted to eat her up! She looked as though she had grown so much in the past few days! I miss them both so much! But I am sure Dennis is getting prepared for my whining and wanting this and that! I don't make a good sick person. I think I either ask for too much, or don't ask for enough. Though I have to say the best part of the hospital is the warm blankets! Now those are nice.
I don't really make New Years resolutions. I don't really see the point in them. Why put so much pressure on yourself to do something, when you should probably have been doing it all along! Ha! I guess I do want to exercise as soon as my hernia is healed, but that is something I should do anyway.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend and stay warm!
Blessings